Sometimes you surprise yourself.
Sometimes you get really brave and tell someone something very important.
Sometimes you know that what you tell them isn't going to change anything, but you tell them anyway because
sometimes you need to just get it out of your system.
Sometimes, even though you know it won't change anything, it still hurts when all they say in response is "oh".
Sometimes everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes things like this happen so you realize how much better you are than you think.
Sometimes people that you think matter and that you really care about are simply a waste of your time.
1. Family. I could literally go on for hours about how thankful I am for my family and everything we've had to endure together throughout the years. I love them so much and would not be who I am today without their love and faith in me.
2. Friends. I've always placed a huge value on my friends my entire life. I have been very blessed to have come into contact with them and am grateful that not everyone hates me.
3. Technology. Facebook, Youtube, Wikipedia, IMDB, cell phone, iPod....I seriously do not know how people 50 years ago kept themselves entertained. What did they do in the summer? How in the heck would you get a hold of someone?
4. Food. I love cooking food, smelling food, eating food, creating food, decorating food. I love food. I love everything about food. I just wish it didn't add on pounds and was cheaper.
5. My job. I have the most perfect job in the world right now. I don't make much but I love what I do and love going to work everyday. I love the people I work with and I love learning something new everyday! I also love that my job lets me be independent and helps me provide for myself.
6. Blankets. There is nothing better than getting into bed each night and just cuddling up with my big duvet. Or wrapping up in it when I'm cold or reading a book or watching a movie. Its also great to share your blanket with someone.
7. Water. Um, H2O is seriously fantastic! It cleans you inside and out. You can put it in any container. Its so refreshing. Its cool to look at and listen to.
8. Hope. I am thankful for the hope of better days. I cling onto hope quite tightly these days and am thankful for the opportunity I have to even have it.
9. Electricity. I'd die without electricity. Seriously. I'd freeze, starve, be lonely, be late, etc. I rely on electricity more than I even realize.
10. Chapstick. There is nothing worse than having burning, irritated lips. The relief that chapstick provides is almost unmatchable. I wish I could high-five the inventor of chapstick.
I'm in a bit of a broken heart relapse and find the need to just write about it. Sorry if you don't like that. But this is my life.
I guess one of my biggest flaws is that I am a hopeless romantic. I typically go nuts over chick flicks and love songs. One of my biggest wants is to be swept of my feet. I have so much love in my heart to give away and I crave someone to serve and to tend to, to be best friends with, to laugh with, to motivate me into becoming a better person.
But guess what? I am an absolute failure when it comes to dating. I don't do it right. I don't know exactly what I am doing that is wrong or where I am screwing up, but I am a hot mess when it comes to romance. I think I don't date well because I definitely don't deal well with break ups either.
Let me share with you (in chronological order) a bit about my major love life experiences...
~*(For the sake of privacy, I have changed the names.)*~
Gary (The Manipulator) - I remember my first "real" crush. I met Gary when I was a freshman in high school. He was a sophomore. He had his learner's permit. He was absolutely gorgeous. Long curly hair, big brown eyes, an amazing smile, funny, popular. He was one of the top debaters at the high school, which made him very smooth with words and made him impossible to argue with. He was the whole package, at least in my 14 year old eyes. We became fast friends. It wasn't until the next year, when we attended the same school, that I started to develop actually feelings for Gary. He noticed right away and used it to his advantage. There were various situations were he had asked me lie for him to prevent him from school disciplinary actions. Gary blinded me by making me feel special. He would tell me I was such a great friend to him, but things never got beyond friendship. He was not a member of my faith and we would have conversations about how wrong he thought the teachings of my church were. I allowed him to sway me into believing my church taught false doctrine and declared to my parents that I was done with religion. It wasn't until then, when I faced my parents and challenged their parenting, that I realized how much I let myself to get manipulated and pushed around by Gary merely because I wanted him to like me. From that day, I withdrew myself from Gary and allowed my friendship with him to dissolve. Our friendship never actually ended as we still talk from time to time, but we definitely grew apart.
*We never were officially together, although everyone around had assumed so.
Paul (The Best Friend) - I met Paul while I was going through everything with Gary. We had many mutual friends and I thought he was very attractive. He was on the swim team and kept himself active. He had a big smile and always greeted me with a hug. Being around him always brightened my days. Paul knew what was going on with me and Gary and was a huge support to me. He allowed me to lean on him and he helped me out a lot with everything I was going through. I started to develop a crush on him a few weeks after distancing myself from Gary and my feelings developed fast. Luckily for me, he liked me back. We decided to give ourselves the "boyfriend-girlfriend" label shortly after my 16th birthday. But things just didn't feel right. I could tell that something about him was off. So, we had a talk about a month and a half of "dating" and he confessed to me that although he liked me, the only reason he was in a relationship with me is because of the pressure everyone was giving him to be in a relationship. His mother also felt that he should not be exclusive with one girl in high school, which added more stress. Needless to say, we ended things immediately. We both wanted to continue as friends because we had grown so close. Little did we know that neither of us were mature enough to do so at that point. We became really good at hurting each other's feelings (without meaning to) and argued more than anything. So for a few months, all communication between us ended. We saw each other often and may have waved hello in the hall, but never hung out or had a real conversation. It wasn't until my next break up were we able to become friends again and start over. He came back into my life as a very dear friend and he was my shoulder to cry on during my troubled time. To this day, he is still one of my dearest and closest friends.
*We were officially together for a little less than two months.
Kay (The One That Got Away) - Kay was captain of the swim team and best friends with Paul. I knew his name but I never actually met him until Paul and I were on our downward spiral. My friend Ashley was the one who introduced me to him and we ate lunch with him everyday for the rest of the school year. I found Kay to be more reserved and quiet than both Gary and Paul. He was refreshing, but I didn't allow myself to get emotionally attached to him until I knew for a certainty that he liked me first. Kay would ask me how I was doing regarding everything going on with Paul. Unfortunately, he got caught in the middle of our battling but he never complained or really even said a word about it. As Kay and I started getting to know each other more and more, we would instant message and email each other for hours. He was the most easiest person to talk to that I've ever met. It was not hard to like him. Both of us were very hesitant on doing anything about our crush on each other because neither of us wanted to hurt Paul. But regardless, we started dating right after school got out for the summer. Kay and I had a very stereotypical summer fling. We both had summer jobs but got together as often as we could. We went to parties together. We talked every night on the phone for hours. Whenever one of us left on vacation and were not able to talk on the phone, we'd handwrite each other letters. Kay first told me he loved me on the 4th of July while we were waiting to see the fireworks. I was surprised to hear it because we had not even had our first kiss yet, but I knew at that moment that I loved him back. When school started again in August, we would always eat breakfast together. We'd hold hands in the hallways and kiss each other goodbye in the parking lot at the end of the day. We truly loved each other as much as high school kids could love. Everything was perfect between us until the last semester of our senior year began. He had a heavy school workload and was stressed out about getting ready for the swimming state championships. I didn't know how to deal with his stress and looked at it as if he was pulling away from me or that I was doing something wrong. I basically freaked out a bit not knowing what to do and thus I became more clingy to him, trying to get him to pay attention to me rather than being wrapped up in his stress. (Obviously now I realize that this was NOT the way to handle things.) Towards the end of January, not knowing what to do, I issued him an ultimatum. I told him that if something didn't change that he'd lose me. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the weekend (which remember, was very rare because we literally talked EVERY night on the phone.) The next Monday morning, we met for breakfast. He handed my a piece of paper and on it was a note he had written me the night before. In it, he explained to me that he felt it was best to end things before they got worse. I looked at him and asked him if this is what he really wanted. He nodded. So, I gathered my things, gave him one last hug, kissed him on the cheek, and went to my AP European History class to take a test. I got through the test and then excused myself to go to the bathroom where I had a complete meltdown. I was absolutely crushed. I was still very much in love with Kay. I had never felt pain as sever before this break up. I felt completely alone because my parents and two older sisters were on a cruise for that week. I had no idea how to cope with a break up like this. So, I got home from school and slept until the next morning. I did this for almost the rest of my senior year of high school. I didn't "get over" Kay for nearly 9 months I didn't talk to Kay until Paul arranged for us all to hang out together 3 years later. It wasn't weird to be near him again. In fact, I just had flashbacks and was reminded how great he is. When I listen to Katy Perry's song "The One The Got Away," Kay is always the one that comes to mind.
*We were officially together for 8 months.
Ryan (The Thinker) - Ryan lived in my building my first year of college. I always admired him for his maturity and views on life. He always treated everyone with respect. After a few weeks going out of my way to get to know him better and trying to spend more time with him, I expressed my interest in him. He told me he wanted to think about it and then he'd get back to me. A few days later, he mentioned a few concerns he had, like how I was 18 and he was 23. I had already had two boyfriends and he never had a girlfriend, nor was he much of a "dater". But he also said he was ready for a new adventure and for something different. Thus, we became "boyfriend-girlfriend". Ryan and I were around each other a lot, especially since we lived in the same building. It definitely was more a relationship of convenience rather than one of affection. I was young and obsessed with the idea of getting married and therefore fell in love with Ryan for that reason. I had met his family very quickly and felt completely out of place amongst them. When he met my family, they felt the same way, that he just didn't fit in well with us. Despite all that, we did grow very close emotionally to each other. He opened up to me about things he never told anyone before and I slowly started to open up to him. We talked about getting married and what life would be like together. We both knew we could be happy with each other. But he had some really weird ideas about women that I didn't agree with. For example, he told me that he'd think less about me if I put on weight while pregnant and didn't lose it. As school ended and he graduated, we started planning a life together. We'd go look at houses and talked about what life would be like. We were basically unofficially engaged, without a ring. However, it hit me one day. Ryan had never once told me he loved me or how he really even felt about me. It was a month before school would start and it got to the point where I needed to decided what I was going to do in the fall and if I was going to go back to school and where. I got up the courage one night so I turned to him and said "Ryan, do you love me?" He was quiet for what seemed like a million years and then replied "You know, there are just some things I haven't figured out yet." The result of that conversation was that I decided that we needed to take a break and he needed to figure some stuff out before we moved forward. I also decided to go back to school without him. Ryan drove almost 2 hours to visit me every other weekend while I was at school. But he never brought up if he figured anything out or was even thinking about it. He never would bring up any serious conversation like that. I was the one who had to address the issue. Each time, he'd say he was still working on it. Each time he didn't have an answer, I grew more distance from him. Finally, during Christmas break, I told him I was done waiting. I told him if he hadn't figured out what he needed to by now, he never would and I was tired of waiting. He understood but stressed how much he wanted to stay friends with me. We grew pretty apart and talked every other month or so. Eventually, he started dating another girl and wanted to do something special for her for Valentine's Day. He called me and asked what I thought he should do, which actually turned into me planning his entire night to the minute and making his dinner reservation for him. He told me how wonderful the date had gone, but I have hardly talked to him since then.
*We were officially together for 6 months. We were "figuring things out" for 4 more months.
Norman (The Indecisive One) - I thought Norman was such a pessimist when I first met him my third year of college. He hated everything I liked. I was good friends with his roommate, which is how I came to know Norman so well. I eventually grew to realize that my first impressions of him were wrong. He actually was one of the most sweetest guys. Flirting with him was always so much fun. We started to have frequent NCMO (non-commitment make -out) sessions and I started getting attached to him. It was starting to get too hard to be just friends with him, so I told him how I was feeling. He came up with a lot of excuses about not knowing how he felt or didn't know where this would go. So I responded by telling him I never wanted him to kiss me again unless he meant it. We parted ways for summer break but came back together when school started. Within the first week, he kissed me. He kissed me multiple times over the next month and I assumed that it was going somewhere. I let go and just allowed myself to fall. And I fell hard. And then, just like that, it was over. He told me that nothing was ever going happen and he wanted to date someone else. Although I wasn't as crushed with him as I was with Kay, I found myself in a world of darkness. There were other things going on in my life at that point and he was my rock. I felt like I had lost everything. I resented him for several months and could not have a conversation with him without getting upset. I couldn't escape him. It didn't help that we had so many mutual friends and saw each other on a daily basis. It also didn't help that he eventually ended up marrying my summer roommate. Although we kind of tried to be friends again, our friendship never really recovered .
*We were never officially together. Some people suspected we were, as did I, but we never were.
Hans (The Luster) - I hated Hans when I first met him. I found him to be self-obsessed and arrogant. He treated people like crap and didn't really care much for other people or their feelings. I thought he just cared about himself and violent video games. I blamed him for the bad ending of my "relationship" with Norman, as Hans was a confidant to him. I tried really hard not to judge him and to give him the benefit of the doubt and eventually stopped looking at all the reasons I didn't like him. While morning over losing Norman, Hans knew I was vulnerable and used that to his advantage. We ended up having a NCMO. My excuse for doing it was to make Norman jealous (which I never knew if it worked or not) and Hans did it cuz he was horny. After that, I felt it was best to just hang out with the girls for a while and I didn't really hang out with him anymore. For a few months. During Christmas break, Hans and I were the only ones left and we had a chance to spend some time together and get to know each other better. He eventually became my best friend. I spent most of my time with him and started to get deeply emotionally connected to him without even realizing it. I told myself over and over that I would not fall for him, that I would keep my emotions in a box and never let them close to him. But my life became very complicated due to outside sources and he was the one I leaned on. He too was having major life issues that he leaned on me for and we were able to help each other through them. Somewhere in the mix, my feelings for him grew and grew. I assume it was the same for him as well because we became official soon after. This came as a surprise to a lot of our mutual friends because when they asked him if he'd ever date me, he responded and I quote "Not a snowball's chance in Hell." When I asked him about it, he just brushed it off like it wasn't a big deal. I didn't see how big of a deal it was until after we broke up. I loved spending time with him. I felt like he knew me better than anyone else and saw me differently. I missed him when he was gone and was always so happy when he'd walk into the room. I left for a week for spring break with some friends and when I came back, everything changed and I don't know why. The first thing I noticed was he didn't even get up when I got home. He sat in his chair, leaving me to give him a side hug. He then basically stopped communicating with me about anything of any importance. He would get irritated with me about dumb things and complain when I asked him to go somewhere with me. I really felt so alone and I felt like he just shut me out. He made me feel so worthless one day that my roommates walked in on me sobbing on my kitchen floor because I was so upset. I couldn't take it anymore so I let him know how I was feeling and he said that he just didn't see our relationship going anywhere. But he did something that surprised me. He held me as I cried as we were breaking up. It was a very bittersweet experience. Then, a month later, we decided to get back together. That lasted less than a week and we didn't tell anyone. After the second breakup, I went almost a month without talking to him. I received a text from him asking me if I wanted to come hang out. I went over and we got back together. For three weeks. And then we broke up again. And this one was, by far, the hardest of the three. All my friends had moved away for the summer and all I had going for me was my job, which was only part time. I cut myself off from the rest of the world and consumed myself in loneliness. Although my biggest heartbreak came with my breakup with Kay, I was the most hurt with Hans. I spent months trying to put my life back together and figuring out who I was after Hans left my side. It wasn't until I accepted that I did, in fact, fall in love with him that I was able to begin to move on.
*We were officially together for.....I don't even know. We were on and off so much that I have no clue.
So there you have it. There's the dirt on my exes. I'm not sure why I wrote this post or what I was trying to achieve by writing it. I don't even know if I will leave this post up very long. But it feels kind of nice to get it all out of my head and down into words.
(First things first. Guys, do not take this entry to mean that all girls feel the same way I do. Maybe some do. Heck if I know. I mostly talk to dudes about dating these days.)
Most nights while I lay in bed waiting to fall asleep, I think about my day. I think about work, friends, family, decorating ideas for my apartment, etc. but I always end up thinking about one thing. Given the predicament I find myself in at this point in my life, as much as I hate to admit it, dating is on my mind a lot. Lots of random thoughts come to my mind like:
How do you know if you really love someone?
Is there really someone out there capable of loving me for who I am?
What does (insert any random action by the opposite gender) mean?
Do I already know the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with?
What can I do to improve my love life and dating experience?
Dating is not easy. Why? Because love is an ugly, terrible business practiced by fools. It'll trample your heart and leave you bleeding on the floor. And what does it really get you in the end? Nothing but a few incredible memories that you can't ever shake. (Quoted from my favorite romantic comedy "Little Manhattan"). But that's not exactly what I wanted this post to focus on. So moving right along...
As I was laying in bed last night, I was thinking about numerous things, including physical actions one may participate in with the opposite gender (such as holding hands, cuddling, kissing, back rubs, etc) and what they might mean to people. Given recent events in my life, I have reevaluated many, many things. I had a good conversation with myself in my head last night regarding this issue. What do all these acts mean to me? I won't share everything (cuz the last thing I want to do is bore you and I'm not that much of an open book. I'm not putting myself way out there for the world to see), but I will focus on two things that really got me thinking last night and my conclusions about them.
Kissing - I love kissing. I think its fan-freaking-tastic. Don't misinterpret what I am about to say into meaning that I don't like kissing. Because, holy crap, I like it a lot. But honestly, I do not understand why people make kissing such a big deal. I don't really get why some people wait to have their first kiss with their significant other until their wedding day. To make is special? That doesn't make ANY sense to me. I don't understand why people put such a big value on kissing. The movie "Enchanted" has a whole song about true love's kiss and I don't get it. I just don't. Seeing fireworks when you kiss someone? Huh, what does that mean? People kiss each other all the time! You kiss your mother, people in Europe kiss each other in greeting, Mommy kisses your boo-boos, people kiss the Pope's ring, people kiss old people on the head when they are sick or dead. I just don't get the big deal, apparently.
But this leads me to why I think I might be the weirdest person ever....
Hand Holding - Holding someone's hand means WAY more to me than kissing them. I think I developed this idea after many years observing my parents who are always holding hands. I just think it means more. For me, it gives more excitement and makes me feel more loved. Its more of an emotional thing rather than a physical thing, which to me is WAY more important in a relationship. Holding hands is more sensual and more meaningful. It's a sign of unity and gives one the feeling of being one with that other person. Ok, look. I seriously hate PDA. I wrote an entire post about how much I hate PDA. There is nothing worse than having to sit behind a couple cuddling in church or walking past a couple making out on campus. But guess what? Holding hands is perfectly acceptable. It sends a message to onlookers that you have respect for your surroundings but at the same time, you want to show off that person to the world. I dunno if anyone else feels the same way I do. All I know is if a guy starts holding my hand, he better stop holding anyone else's.
So yeah. I think that pretty much covers it. Have a lovely day! :)
I have always used this blog as somewhat of an outlet. I've posted about tons of different topics from cooking to boy drama to politics. Some posts are serious, others are funny, others are pointless. I can't say that I am well educated in many topics, but I post about things that are pressing on my mind, which brings me to my post for today.
The Westboro Baptist Church.
I first heard about this group about two years ago when they captured national attention for picketing at a marine's funeral. I made a very brief post about this religion around March of 2011 and then since have forgotten about them until recently. One thing to remember about me is that I love documentaries. I love learning about different things and I find documentaries are very satisfying. Anyway, so I was on Youtube last night trying to burn time and I came across a documentary called The Most Hated Family in America. (For those who can stomach learning about a very interesting religion and way of life, I strongly recommend this documentary. I learned SO much about these people!) I didn't know who the most hated family was until I clicked on the link. Within the first THREE SECONDS, I stared wide eyed in disbelief at the computer screen thinking "Am I REALLY hearing this?! Is this for real?" I then read the description of the video and three words caught my attention: Westboro Baptist Church. I then sat and watched all 8 parts of that documentary, fascinated at these people and their beliefs. If you don't know who these people are and don't have time to watch the documentary, lemme some it all up for you with some photos and videos:
Sean Hannity interview Shirley Phelps-Roper
A young man calls the WBC for information and this is what happened
Look at those pictures. Did you notice who is holding these signs? Children. On the documentary, these kids have no idea what these signs even mean. The adults are out these picketing as well, but I wanted to emphasis on the fact that little kids are taught from a very young age that this kind of discrimination is mandatory. But unfortunately, the fact that they do have these kids picketing also causes the children to be victims to everyone else's defense. Obviously if you see people on the side of the road holding signs like this, you'll get defensive and maybe give these people a piece of your mind and probably that's out of anger. These kids unfortunately get dumped on just as much as the adults and that saddens me a great deal. In the documentary, a car drives by the corner where the WBC are picketing and throws a fountain drink at the group, which results in the drink hitting a 7 year old in the head and cutting his face.
What is so interesting to me is the fact that they take so much joy in telling people how wicked they are and how everyone is going to Hell. They truly believe that they are God's messengers and that if people hate them, then they're doing their job right. Therefore, they seriously take joy and comfort in the anger that falls upon them. That alone I cannot understand.
Another thing I find interesting is their basis for their message. They picket funerals of soldiers because they believe the soldiers are fighting for a corrupt country that has evil rights, such as homosexuality. But what they fail to remember is that those soliders are also fighting for the WBC's freedom of speech and the right to even have a message. Ironic.
Human beings are fascinating creatures. Each other has their own set of beliefs and understanding of their purpose in life. I respect everyone's right to live how they want and believe what they want. I would never try to tell anyone how they should be or how to live (except for my own children, of course.) But this is where I draw the line. When you have so much disrespect for a country and for SO many people, given the opportunity, I'll jump in, which is what I am taking this opportunity to do. Therefore, I close this post with a message specifically for one of main leaders of this church, Shirley Phelps-Roper.
Shirley, if you hate America so much, FEEL FREE TO LEAVE!!!!
Today has marked my twenty-second year on this planet. It feels a little strange to think that I am actually that old now. Somedays, I feel like I'm still 16. Its so weird. Thats all. I dunno why, but I feel like I shall reflect on the events that have happened in my 22 years of life....
I was born on Thursday, September 20, 1990 at 6:55am in Tarzana, CA.
I've had two last names without getting married.
I have lived in 5 different states: California, Oregon, Missouri, Texas, and Utah.
I personally owned my own dog....for about 2 weeks. And I had my own rat.
I have had two car titles in my name.
I have traveled to 16 states in the US.
I have owned 4 cellphones.
I have worked at 6 different jobs and never been fired or laid off.
I've gotten one speeding ticket.
I had a summer internship in Houston, TX.
I've had two immediate family member effected by cancer.
I've been baptized as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (You can learn more about that church here.)
I lost both my birth parents within 4 months of each other when I was 10 years old.
I went to the ski jump event for the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics.
I have been on the news 5 times.
I was adopted when I was 12.
I've lost one grandpa, one great-grandma, and one great-great-grandma.
I won first place in my 4th grade Science Fair.
I studied 5 years with a professional dance company and placed 1st in 5 national competitions.
I've been in 3 car accidents.
I've met Joseph Paur (the actor that plays Ribaldi in "Rigoletto").
I graduated from Bingham High School in 2008.
I graduated from Eastern Utah in 2010.
I have one nephew and one niece.
I've gone on five vacations without any family members.
I've had 3 serious boyfriends.
I've had zero broken bones, zero stitches, and one surgery.
I've been to 2 midnight showings.
I was the 3rd highest individual fundraiser for Relay for Life USU 2012.
I sang a duet in front of 1,000 people for a religious forum.
I've seen Joe Nicols, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Dallas Brass, Sean Kingston, Scotty McCreery, and The Piano Guys all live in concert.
Thats all I can think of right now. I'm sure there are more but I'm at work and keep getting distracted....
I'm the girl who prefers one rose instead of a dozen.
I'm the girl who would rather stay in on a Friday night than go to a wild party with random strangers.
I'm the girl who wouldn't make you wait on her hand and foot but would do anything make you happy.
I'm the girl who wold enjoy having a movie night rather than going to some fancy restaurant.
I'm the girl who would rather stay up all night just talking than going out dancing.
I'm the girl who won't make you hold her bags, but would rather hold your hand instead.
I'm the girl who will love you more than anyone can possibly dream of.
I'm the girl who would give the world to see you smile.
You spend forever acting like you don't care that you're alone and then someone comes along and fills the little void you've been neglecting for so long. Things are great. You think "Wow, I'm happy for once!" and as soon as you get used to having them around, they leave. You're alone again. Even more so than before, you tell yourself that you'll never meet someone thats going to take their place. But you will and you do.
And the process repeats itself.
Over
and over
and over....
You know what's cute? When someone is willing to stay up late just so they can talk to you. They don't care if they lose hours of sleep. They're just happy to talk to you. Its cute how they don't care if your voice isn't all the great, just as long as they can talk to you, they are happy. They just want you to be that person they lose sleep over because you are worth it.
I realize that with my last post, I have offended friends, family, and my readers. Please know that this was never my intention. I apologize for my delivery and for hurting your feelings, but I cannot apologize for the way I feel. I have had a handful of people very angrily send me emails and other messages telling me how wrong they think I am and telling me that my feeling this way will eventual lead to me falling away from the LDS church. With that, let me make this very clear. Over the last year, I almost left the church completely for matters completely irrelevant to this post. Realizing how much the church actually meant to me, I decided to come back and have tried to do so with full force and much vigor. For the last few months, I have done everything I possibly can to strengthen my faith and to better my relationship with God. I read at least one chapter from the Book of Mormon everyday and listen to a conference talk every night before I go to sleep. The more I jump into the gospel, the more I have a burning desire to help people, which is exactly why I wrote my last post.
I feel like the LGBT community should have the same rights as everyone else. Simple as that. I do not condone the lifestyle and I admit that its uncomfortable for me at times to witness and to talk about. HOWEVER, they are still human beings, they still are Americans, and they still have their free agency. If that it their lifestyle of choice, it is completely THIER choice to make and they should have the RIGHT to make that choice. For anyone to tell me that I am going to fall away from the church because I believe in RIGHTS is wrong. My opinion of this matter has nothing to do with the church, nor does it effect my faith and loyalty. It's very hurtful for someone to think they are above me enough to tell me that I am harming myself by trying to do as we are taught and to help others.
And this is where I drop the topic. I will not be posting anything else regarding politics on this blog. Again, my apologizes go out to those I may have hurt. I never meant to hurt anyone, but rather defend those who were already hurting.
Let me start out by saying this: no, I am not a lesbian, nor am I bisexual. I am 100% heterosexual. I like men and I like them a lot. I do not have any close family members who are homosexual. I do not have any close friends who are homosexual. I don't have anyone close to me that is homosexual. With that in mind, I want you as my reader to understand that nobody is putting me up to this and that I am writing this post on my own freewill and I personally feel inclined to do so.
I think our country is getting absolutely ridiculous. I honestly feel as though we are back to the 1960s. Someone, please explain to me how the two pictures I have included in this post are different from each other. I feel like this has gone far enough and I refuse to sit by another second and not let my voice be heard.
If you have not be informed of the recent BSA ban on gays, here's the link.
Honestly, I can understand the other side of the matter, of why some people would feel that this action is okay and appropriate. But to me, that does NOT make it okay in my eyes.
A lot of people are saying things like "Good on the BSA for stinking up for their values" and "Now my son is safe from pedophiles". Ok, wow. First of all, your son isn't any safer than he was before. Fact: Homosexuality rarely plays a role in pedophiles. Secondly, if you have a "value" to not associate with someone because of their sexual orientation or you aren't going to allow someone into a nationwide club because they are gay, I hope you realize that your so called "value" is hurting millions of people. What a great value to have, I hope you're proud of yourself. Now, I'm not saying that you should go out of your way to invite them into your tight knit communities or even like them, but to discriminate like this is wrong. And it is indeed discrimination, hands down. If the Boy Scouts of America really think homosexuals are such a big problem, I would think that their course of action would be to try and teach these boys to be good people, not send them the message that they aren't good enough to be a part of something. I never heard of a program that was above teaching someone life skills until now and it indeed is appalling to me. I think James Morrison Jr said it best: "The Boy Scouts of America should belong to al our country's young men regardless to their race, orientation, or religion."
As for me, if the BSA don't lift this ban, I will never allow my sons to be apart of this program and taught to discriminate against someone because that is exactly what this action is teaching all scouts. If I had been a scout and received my eagle, I would follow this man's lead and turn in my eagle award. Shame on you, BSA. I now have very little respect for the BSA program.
People are people, regardless to what they believe. You are no better than someone else because of your values. Seriously, just let people believe what they want to believe and MOVE ON! Stop the hatred! Stop the hate crimes! Stop the intolerance of letting someone be entitled to love who they want to love! Focus on yourself and stop worrying about what other people believe! Your beliefs do not make you a better person, but your actions do.
Once upon a time, a prince asked a beautiful princess a very important question.
"Princess, will you marry me?"
The princess, flattered with his venerability, smiled but replied "No."
The prince fled from the princess with his pride broken...and his heart.
However, the princess lived happily ever after and traveled around the world and met interesting people and learned new stuff and she hooked up with lots and lots of cute boys and nobody thought she was a slut or a floozie.
She always put herself first and went to rock concerts and girls nights and nobody ever told her
"Go make me a sandwich!"
and she kept her apartment and her last name and all of her shoes and never got cheated on or lied to.
All of her family and friends thought she was freaking awesome and cool and fun.
She made tons of money
and the toilet seat was always down, like it's supposed to be.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up year heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit or armor, so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't you own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. So simple a phrase like "maybe we should be just friends" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Its a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. -Neil Gaiman
Have you ever been in love? I have.
So, there I was sitting at work when Soren turns to me and says "Did you know that if every human that has ever lived was given an equal amount of stars, everyone would have a hundred billion stars?" To which I replied "I hope mine are gold stars"...and the conversation proceeded like this:
Soren: I hope I have blue dwarfs
Allie: I hope I have red giants
Soren: My blue dwarfs can take on your red giants
Allie: Nuh-uh. My red giants can step and squish your dwarfs
Soren: No way. Mine will have more armor and will be smarter
Allie: Uhhh....ha ha ha
Soren: You should put this conversation on your blog.
The first month of summer is official come and gone and I can honestly say that I've accomplished almost nothing in that time.
My schedule is the same almost everyday. I wake up, get ready for work, go to work, go home from work, watch a movie while I make dinner, hang out on the balcony with some friends, and then go to bed. Seriously, that's about it.
But lemme tell ya, I'm loving it. I feel so chill this summer! I feel like I can pretty much really do whatever the hell I want without worrying about missing out on something or people wondering what I'm up to and whatnot. For example, last week and last night, I went to bed at freaking 8:30pm! It was amazing! Seriously!
I went into the summer hoping to make some new friends and to take my social life up a notch. I've done almost the complete opposite and I'm so glad it's turning out that way. I mean, I still hang out with people on occasion. I've had Kami, Jared, Ali, and Matt all come for a visit and I've hung out with friends in the Salt Lake valley. So its not like I've cut myself off from the rest of the world. I'm just trying to spend a lot more time with myself. I've also been blessed to have roommates that I never see. Yeah, that sounds totally weird and ridiculous and I honestly would love to spend more time with Melanie, but we don't see each other very often. My other two roommates, I rarely see, especially one that I think might be a ghost.
But anyways, that's pretty much all that's been going on with me this first month of summer. I'm terribly boring. And I am loving every second of it. Furreal.
If you didn't get to see the previous 2 posts I already did of this, here they are: Dear People: Round One Dear People: Round Two
You'll probably be way confused if you don't click on one for an explanation....just saying.
Dear Wilson:
Even though I still think you're really weird, I'm lucky to have you as my neighbor. I'm growing rather fond of you.
Admirably, Tim Taylor
Dear Kermit:
Yep, still mine.
Love, Piggy
Dear Ghost:
Who ARE you?! Please stop freaking me out and act like a normal human being instead of randomly popping up and being all weird and stuff. I can't think of anything positive to say
Sincerely, the resident
Dear Luke:
No. I am not your father. Nor your mother. Nor your twin sister. Nor your maid!
Love, Allie
Dear Toothless:
Mybad for being so grumpy. How about I'll give you some fish and we'll call it even. Yes?
Honestly, Hiccup
Dear Father Time:
I kinda think you're a creepy stalker person, but I'm glad you aint stalking me. Still, you're kind of a creeper. But I can tell you do it cuz you're lonely. Maybe we should become better friends. After all, we've known each other for quite a while now...
How about it?, Mother Earth
Dear Otter:
You're adorable. You're attractive. You know me like nobody else does. Don't you know that you can have me if you'd only but ask?
Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you'd follow them straight into Hell, just to keep your fix.
Unfortunately, I think this is truer than any of us want to admit.
Whenever there comes a transition in my life, I like to always go into it with some sort of goal(s). I am experience a big transition right now as I have completed my 4th year of college and this is the first summer I've been out on my own without any family around. Most of my friends have gone home for the summer so I've lost my support system and have been forced to basically rely sully on myself, which is not a bad thing really. I am moving into a new apartment with new people and am looking forward to meeting new people. But this summer is going to be about reconstructing myself and figuring out who I really want to be and creating a plan for becoming that person. To go along with that, here are some of my other goals I have for this summer:
Come closer to God
Get into better physical shape
Try to run or swim every week day
Rarely eat fast food
Eat more fruits and veggies
Meditate at least 10 minutes everyday
Find a new hobby
Read at least 5 books
I'm sure that there are more goals I have right now, but I either don't feel like posting them or I simply cannot remember them at this moment in time.
But please know that I wish you all a very happy and safe summer. (:
Well, after about 4 months of being together, Matt and I have broken up. We've been through a lot together and its been a bumpy ride, but it was decided that this was for the best. Normally, I am torn to shreds when I go through a break up. Normally, I can hardly function. But I'm already pretty much over it. I know that this is for the best and that I can get over it. I truly believe that phrase "the wrong one is the right one to lead you to the best one." Don't get me wrong, Matt is an amazing guy! He's taught me so much and I truly care for him. But he's not the one for me and I'm not the one for him. There's someone else out there better suited for the both of us and therefore, there is just no point in moping over something that just didn't work out. I had some great experiences with him and have some amazing memories shared with him, but its time to move on and time for a change. And for probably the first time in a long time, I'm completely okay with that.
Whoa. Its been a while. But you know what? Life is good. I wouldn't say REALLY good, but its good. Here's why:
The weather outside this week has been awesome. So beautiful and clear and warm!
My boyfriend is amazing! He keeps me grounded and is teaching me how to be a better person. He is the glaze to my donut and I am so thankful for him!
School is almost out! Lucky for me, I have no finals this semester! :)
I just got paid, which brings me to: I am so thankful for my job and the people I work with. They're all so great and make work entertaining.
I got to spend last weekend with my niece. Need I even say more? I adore that little girl SO much!!!
I made some killer cilantro lime shrimp last week. It was the first time I made shrimp and I was so thrilled that it was a success. Click here for more details and a recipe.
Relay for Life is on Friday! We didn't actually make it to our goal (because many team members got lazy and decided not to fundraise whatsoever) but we raised over $800, which is a great accomplishment in my eyes!
Yeah, I think that about covers it. Life is good. I'm a happy girl today. (:
I know that there are plenty of people out there that hate getting asked to donate money and whatnot, but I honestly would not ask (especially on my blog) if it didn't mean so much to me and if it wasn't a cause that I firmly believe in. Last year, I was able to participate in Relay for Life and I honestly can say that it had SUCH a big impact on me, especially because I lost my mother to ovarian cancer and my youngest sister has leukemia. Therefore, I want t go all out this year and do everything I possibly can to raise money for this cause. Please join me in honoring my mother and sister and everyone else who suffers from cancer. Please find it in your heart to donate if even a few dollars, as every dollar counts!
Each year, on hundreds of college campuses across the country and in thousands or communities around the world, one event unites millions of total strangers in the global fight against cancer. That event is the American Cancer Society Relay for Life. This year, I will be participating in it as team captain for the "Climbers for a Cure" team. Relay for Life is an American Cancer Society fundraising event that raises more than $385 million dollars annually to support the American Cancer Society's mission to save lives from cancer.
The Utah State University Really will take place on April 13, 2012, and I have made it my goal to raise $500 before then. I blog today to ask you to please help me reach that goal. I am more than half way there, with currently $330 raised already. Please help me put an end to this disease that has caused us all so much pain!
As a broke college student, I know what it means to say that "every dollar counts". And it's so true - any donation, large or small, will save lives. Every dollar will take us closer to a future where cancer is a thing of the past. Please follow the link at the bottom of this post to visit my personal Relay webpage, as you can donate via this site.
Thank you so much in advance for your support and I look forward to blogging about my progress!!!
*Should you have been so unfortunately as to miss round one, click here.
Dear Wilson:
Again?! Really?! Dang Wil, you give me whiplash with your indecisiveness. Pick one already: show your face or hide it!
Warningly, Tim Taylor
Kermit:
You're actually kinda boring. NEXT!
Done, Miss Piggy
Dear Rug: Its been fun. Time for me to go my own way though. After some time, I am sure we will be able to be besties again! :) Sincerely, Passageway
Dear Toothless:
Tell you what. I'll feed you fish if you DON'T sing! That was a one-time-thing.
Annoyed, Hiccup
Dear Aladdin:
I secretly love it when you go shirtless, even though I pretend to be grossed out. You're pretty smoking when you play ball. And you give like the best hugs ever! If only you were older and not about to take a really long carpet ride....
Adoringly, Jasmine
Dear Alfalfa:
What happened to you? Ever since that rock, you're hygiene skills appear to have vanished. You look like you smell horrible. I'm steering clear so I don't have to take a whiff. But I am glad you make Darla so happy! :)
Cautiously, Darla's friend
Dear Lobster:
I am so 'cited we're friends! You've come to mean more to me than I let on. Can't wait for summer!
Love, Goose
Dear Girl With a Boy Name:
Get out of my apartment! I'm serious. You honestly just bring the worst parts of me out. Not just me, but my roommate too. So, its probably best that you don't come back.
I mean it!, Allie
Apparently, I must be the odd ball at the bus stop in the mornings.
Everyone is always like super social and all like: "Oh my gosh! I love you! I am annoyingly too chipper this morning! I want to talk to you about nothing of any importance!"
Me, on the other hand, am more like this: "Shut up. Stop talking to me. I want to be in bed. I have headphones in because I don't want to be social right now. Arg!"
No matter how early I go to bed, 4 out of 5 times, I am just not a morning person. I love my bed. More than anyone should love a bed. I seriously dread getting out of bed in the mornings. If I could stay in bed forever, I probably would. Therefore, in the mornings, I put my headphones in to avoid talking to everyone.It's nothing personal. I just am not social in the mornings! Simple as that. If I have my headphones in, please don't try to start a conversation with me. There is a reason my ears are plugged. If I wanted to talk to you, I would take them out. Makes sense, doesn't it?
I know this makes me sound like a total bisnatch but guess what? I'd rather rant about it on my blog where pretty much nobody will see it rather than explode in your face one day cuz you won't leave me alone.
Its happening again. That dark, empty feeling is creeping back inside of my heart. The last two months have been fantastic. I've felt great, productive, happy. But I think I knew all along that it was going to be short lived. I was distracting myself on a lost cause without actually dealing with any of the issues that I've needed to face. I've merely put them all off....and now, they are all ganging up on me, crushing me. Its time to grow up. Deal with the problems. Discard the distraction once and for all.
There is this trend that someone started that every girl thinks she needs to follow.
Take a look at the following photos:
WHY?!?! Guess what girls? The buns in these pictures are NOT attractive! You look like an idiot. This look says "I am lazy. I don't know how to do my hair. I want a bird to come crap on my head!"
I saw this girl on campus today with the most ridiculous high bun I have ever seen. Not even two minutes later, I saw ANOTHER girl with a super crapped up excuse for a bun.
Girls, there is a difference between a ballerina bun and a messy bun. A messy bun DOES NOT belong on the crown of your head or any higher. It makes you look ridiculous. Nobody wants to see that, so please stop embarrassing yourself. Now, don't get me wrong; I am not saying that messy buns are ugly or bashing against them in any way. I think they are super cute and make life a lot easier if i don't feel like doing anything with my hair. However, I am bashing against messy buns on top of your head. I think that they seriously just look so stupid!
This semester is going to be the most interesting, for sure. I am only taking ten credits, which drops me down to a part-time student status (but that's fine because I can put in more hours at work). I am only taking two "real" classes (Mental Health and Criminology) and the rest are all PE credits that I am very excited for!
I am taking a ballet class, which seriously just makes me feel so pretty and graceful and beautiful....and sore. Along with that, I am taking a third semester of gymnastics. What can I say? I love it! Steve convinced me to take Western Swing Dancing, which will be interesting, for sure. And Melanie and I are taking a Jazz Technique class that is just a blast and makes me feel like I am the most sexy being on this planet! Take a look at what we learned on the first day of class:
Yeah, it was freaking awesome!
..........
Ok. Fine, I admit it. This semester I am dedicating to the LGN Diet ;)
I am pretty dang bored. Normally at a time like this, I would surf Pinterest....but I'm getting bored with it. When I'm not doing that, I would stalk people on Facebook...but I'm getting bored with it. When I'm not on their of those, I watch random things on Youtube....but my work has asked that we no longer watch movies down at the front desk anymore.
The following video was made about a week ago when I was bored at work. I really am just such a weirdo! Mygoodness! Meh, oh well. I don't care. I'm bored.
